IRISH JOKES AND WIT...OR LACK OF IT!
As soon as I can get around to it, I plan to have a page with some "proper" jokes.
Years ago Paddy Murphy had a bull for sale and advertised him in the local paper. Communications were very slow in those days and after waiting three weeks, there was no sign of anyone coming to look at the bull.
Paddy needed money in a hurry and could not hang around the house any longer and so he took a few heifers to the local mart.
As luck would have it, that was the very day that the local squire came to look at the bull.
After knocking on the door and stating his business, Mrs Murphy told him that the bull was in the field at the back of the house.
So, she accompanied the squire to where the bull was and he began to examine the animal from every angle, looking in his mouth, in his ears, checking between his legs until he ran out of orifices and appendages to examine further.
And so, standing back a few paces with his hands on his hips the squire said: "Mrs Murphy, he's a fine looking animal. Have you any idea how far back his pedigree goes?"
"Be jabers" she said "I don't know but, when it's out..it's the length of a yardbrush"
Hear about the 'decklander' who saw a range of football teeshirts in the shopping center and couldn't make his mind up as which color he would like.
Later on while watching Galoot Athletic v Latchico United an ad came on at half-time soliciting support for the destitute in Africa and our decklander jumped up and exclaimed: That's it! I'll get myself a nice black one!
Three kids boasting over who had the fastest daddy: The first said that his daddy could kick a ball at the wall and catch it before it hit the wall. The second said that his daddy could kick the ball over the back the house and catch it at the front door That's nothing said the third, my daddy works for the County Council, finishes at five o'clock and he's home by three!
WHAT IS AN IRISHMAN?
An Irishman is a man who:
May not believe there is a God, but is darn sure of the infallibility of the Pope.
Won't eat meat on Friday, but will drink Jameson for breakfast.
Has great respect for the truth, he uses in emergencies.
Sees things not as they are but the way they never will be.
Cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle.
Hates the English, but reserves his cruelty for his countrymen.
Gets more Irish the further he gets from Ireland.
Believes in civil rights, but not in his neighbourhood.
Believes to forgive is divine, therefore doesn't exercise it himself.
Loves religion for its own sake, but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbours.
Scorns money, but worships those who have it.
Considers any Irishman who achieves success to be a traitor.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads. The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
Two Irishmen are flying home from London. Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will longer still. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that they are now flying on one engine and gives an even later arrival time. When the plane finally lands one Irishman turns to the other and remarks "Just as well the fourth engine kept going or we'd have been up there all night."
An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,'' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!''
Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
A: Patty O'Furniture!
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called " Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
Q. Did you hear about the Irishman born with two left feet?
A. He went out one day to buy some Flip Flips...
A welshman was telling an Englishman an Irishman joke,"Its about a letter written by an Irishman who wrote as a P.S."If you can't read this letter take it to the Parish Priest's house and he will read it for you." After a few minutes the Englishman burst into laughter saying,"Of course I get the joke now! What if the Parish Priest were out?!
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one." The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"
"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ye." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...""Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me...""Sure and I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?""It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinnesss Stout and drowned.""Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?""Well, no Brenda......no.""No?""Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Molloy and Murphy out fishing and the motor packed in on the boat, Molloy says to Murphy what are we going to do now? Murphy say we'll just have to wait for help. After two days they are 40 miles from the coast and come across a bottle, Molloy opens the bottle and out pops a genie who grants them one wish - quick as a flash Molloy says turn the sea into Guinness and of course the sea is black with Guinness - Murphy says "You stupid fool now we'll have to piss in the boat. "
"Drink is a curse," proclaimed the Irish Priest. "It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, and shoot at your landlord….and miss…"
After the Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, "If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse." This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, "Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?"
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'". Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?". Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool". To which Flaherty remarked, "Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years. After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat "We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave." Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend. But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
Have you heard about the Englishman who thought the world's most famous inventor was an Irishman called Pat Pending?
First Englishman: "What was the final score in the match this afternoon?"
Second Englishman: "Nil-Nil".
First Englishman:"What was the score at half-time?"
Question...is an Englishman who takes a bath every day very clean or very dirty?
After the Oxford-Cambridge boat race the mother of one of the losing crew was consoling her son. "Never mind dear," she told him," you were wonderful, you rowed faster than anyone else in your boat."
An Englishman asked an Irishman to show him the biggest building in an Irish town.
"There it is now" said the Irishman, "isn't it a fine structure entirely?"
"Is that your biggest building?" asked the Englishman.
"Why back in England we have buildings over a hundred times the size of that!"
"I'm not surprised," said the Irishman,"that's the local lunatic asylum."
They say an Englishman laughs three times at a joke. The first time when everybody gets it, the second a week later when he thinks he gets it, the third time a month later when somebody explains it to him.
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?" "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument. At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the biggest fool that I have set eyes on." "Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."
Two Irishmen were on holiday in the United States and went to see Niagara falls. Over drinks one night, one bet the other $500 he couldn't carry him across the falls on a tightrope. After a very scary trip his friend managed to deposit him safely at the far end and the $500 was duly handed over. "Pity," said the loser, "when you wobbled half way across I was sure I had won."
Pat went into the jewelry store, pulled out his pocket watch and told the clerk it wasn't working. The clerk unscrewed the back and opened it up and a little cockroach fell out. Pat exclaimed, "No wonder it didn't work, the engineer is dead!"
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. "Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?" After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, "Tree + Tree +Tree make nine!" The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Irishman, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine." The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not 100!" "Oh yes it most certainly is", said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, "Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd make 100!!!!!"
Pat and Mike were very good friends and Pat came over to Mike's house to visit. When he entered the home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time. She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while I finish the curtains?" A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How Ya doin Mike?" Mike replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started.
Riley was waylaid on his way home. "Your money or your life," snarled the robber. "Take my life," said Riley. "I'm saving my money for my old age."
An Irishman named O'Sullivan arrived at Pearson Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No, I've lost all my luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out."
Two Irishmen had filled a cart with hay and were driving it out of the field onto a narrow road and into the path of an oncoming car. The other driver jammed on his brakes just in time and swerved into the field they had just left. "Thank the Lord," said one Irishman to the other. "We only just got out of that field in time."
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike laid down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."
A gang of Irish workers was sent to measure a telephone pole. Unfortunately their ladder was too short. "Right," shouted the foreman, "we'll have to be laying it down on the ground to measure it." "Don't be daft," said one of the gang. "It's the height we're needing, not the breadth!"
Incomprehensibly, the last coach of the train on a normal route kept getting smashed up by vandals. A porter came up with an idea. "Why don't we leave the last coach off!"
A visitor to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda that it was a quiet little place. The Garda replied, quiet to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years.
Did ye here the one about Gerry Adams showing up at Heavens Gates??? Well St. Peter stops him and says to Gerry " Yev got a lot of nerve showin up here an tryin to get in after the way Yev been actin down on earth" Gerry just looks at him an laughs..."oh Im not here to get in...Im here to give yis a message..." St. Peter says" oh and what would that be?" Gerry replies" yis have about 5 minutes to get out!!!"
Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?" and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day,died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade." St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it,Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on his little green cloud,punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat,I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St.Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!" St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. "Well, how can I help you little people?" asked mother superior. the larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked "oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?" "No," says mother superior, "I don't have any midget nuns here at the convent" "all right than, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland than?" "no, no," replied mother superior, "I don't know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all." "Well then mother superior, in all of nundom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, than, of any midget nuns?' "No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!" replied mother superior, "and would you please tell me what this is all about!!?" The asking leprechaun turned sadly to the stupid leprechaun and said "see, its as I told you all along, you've been dating a Penguin"
It seem an old rabbi, in seeing his son graduate from high school, wanted to know what be the youths plans. He called the son into his study and questioned him. "Son, I vish to know, what kind of career are you going to have"? The rabbi laid on a table three items, a $100 bill, a fifth of Jamesons and the good book. He looked to the boy and said, " Ve need to know your future. If you take the $100 bill, you will become a gambler, and that is very terrible. If you take the fifth of Jameson's, you will become a drunkard and that too is very, very bad. But...If you take the good book, you will become a rabbi, like you Papa. The young lad's mind was blank. He was just out of high school and he did not yet know what he wanted to do with his life. After a few minutes of trying to think, he finally decided there was only one answer. The boy took the $100 bill and put it in his pocket. He picked up the Jameson's in one hand and with the other grasped the good book, put it under his arm and quickly left the room. The old rabbi was stunned. He could not understand what had just happened. Then all of a sudden his eyes grew wide, he jumped to his feet, and slapping the side of his face he cried, "Oy Vay... He is going to become a Catholic Priest!"
The good Father was warning his listeners about the suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended," he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die." Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who laughed out loud at this statement. Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man, "What's so funny?" "Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of this parish."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? " The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
Why do Kerry dogs have flat faces?
From chasing parked cars.
How do you keep a Kerryman happy for an afternoon?
Write P.T.O on both sides of a pice of paper.
A kerryman, who had fallen into a lot of money,went to the doctor with an injured leg.
"That looks nasty",said the Dr,"I'd better give you a local anaesthetic".
"Hang the expense", said the Kerryman, "I'll have the imported one!"
How would you get a Kerryman to climb on the roof of a pub?
Tell him the drinks are on the house!
The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers to raise funds for its repair. Mick offered his services.
About a week later, the priest met Mick who was straggling from side to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.
Mick was apologetic. "I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the neighbours I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying his subscription."
The priest was shocked. "Are there no teetotalers in the parish, Mick?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mick. " I've written to them."
Winging his way to America from Ireland, Father O'Leary asked a stewardess, "How high is this plane, Miss?" The stewardess replied, "About thirty-two thousand feet, Father." The Father's jaw dropped in amazement. "Who'd have believed it? And could ye tell me how wide it is?"
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
How do you confuse a Kerryman?
Place three shovels against a wall and ask him to take his pick.
Kathleen Murphy was standing vigil over her husband's death bed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kathleen, " he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh, don't talk." But he was insistent. "Kathleen," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kathleen. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kathleen. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." Kathleen mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Patrick, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Have you heard about the Kerryman whose library burnt down?
Both books were destroyed, and worse still one hadn't even been coloured in yet!
A wealthy farmer went to church one Sunday. After services he said to the priest, "Father, that was a damned good sermon you gave, damned good!" "I'm happy you liked it," said the priest. "But I wish you wouldn't use those terms in expressing yourself." "I can't help it," said the rich farmer. "I still think it was a damned good sermon. In fact, I liked it so much I put a fifty pound note in the collection basket." "The hell you did?!" replied the priest.
"What do Irish people do about Irishman jokes?" I was asked.
"They tell Kerryman jokes", I replied
"Well what about the Kerrymen then, what do they do about Kerryman jokes then?"
"They put them into books and sell them to Englishmen", I said
Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor. "Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"
Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'! " Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
"Have you seen my vest?" Paddy asked his wife.
"Sure and you have the thing on, you old fool," said his wife.
"Just as well you noticed," said Paddy, "or I would have gone out without it."
Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car. One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident. On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."
What are Kerry nurses famous for?
Waking patients up to take their sleeping tablets.
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned.
Not one horse could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
Perhaps you've heard about the Irish abortion clinic?
It has a 12 month waiting list.
An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says
"Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".
Bud Nelson, from New York, flew to Knock Airport in the west of Ireland on Business.
As he walked down the stairs from the plane onto the runway he noticed a small Irishman standing beside a long table with an assortment of Human Skulls.
"What are you doing?" asked the American.
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's correct!" said the Irishman.
"I have to have that!" said Bud and paid him $1,650.00 in cash. Bud flew back to New York and mounted his Skull on the wall in his Pub.
People came from all over America to view this famous Skull. He made a fortune over a five year period and retired a very rich man.
During his retirement, he decided to go back to visit Ireland, the land that made him a fortune. Bud flew back into Knock airport, and while walking down the stairs saw the same Irishman at the bottom of the stairs. "Goodness", said Bud, "What are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm selling skulls", replied the Irishman.
"And what skulls do you have today?" said Bud.
"Well, I have the skulls of the most famous Irishmen that ever lived!!" said the Irishman.
"That's great!" said Bud. "Give me some names!"
"Well!" said the Irishman, pointing to various skulls. "That one there is James Joyce, the famous author and playwright, that one there is St. Brendan, the Navigator, that's Michael Collins the leader of the 1916 rising, and that one there is St. Patrick, the Patron Saint of Ireland...God bless his soul.."
"Sorry" said Bud, "But did you say St. Patrick?"
"That's Correct!" said the Irishman.
"Well!", said Bud, I was here almost 7 years ago and you sold me a Skull a little bit bigger than that one there, and you told me then that the skull was St. Patrick."
"Oh yes!" said the Irishman, "I remember you now!...you see... This is St. Patrick when he was a Boy!!"
How do you recognise a Kerry pirate?
He has a patch over each eye.
Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess.
He went into the confession booth and told the Father, "Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me."
The Father said, "Tell me who the lady was."
The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did.
"Was it Mollie O'Grady?" asked the Father."
"No."
"Was it Rosie Kelly?"
"No."
"Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?"
"No."
"Well then," said the Father, "You'll not be forgiven."
When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, "So, did you find forgiveness."
"No," said the other, "but I picked up three good prospects!"
Have you heard about the Kerryman who had a brain transplant? The brain rejected him.
Two Irishmen were out duck-shooting. They had their guns and dogs and walked for hours with no success. Dropping into the pub on the way back they listened with envy to all the other hunters who had obviously been very successful.
"Where do you think we went wrong?" asked one.
His friend thought for a minute.
"You know, I think it must be that we're not throwing the dogs high enough."
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
Have you heard about the Kerryman who cheated Irish rail?
He bought a return ticket to Dublin and didn't go back!
An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill. His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister." The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!" "But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life. Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!" The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now." The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now." Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?" "Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."
What do you do if a Kerryman throws a pin at you?
Run like mad- he's probably got a grenade between his teeth!
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed own the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again"
Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."
Murphy, O'Brien & Casey sitting in a bar discussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says,
"I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'".
O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place."
Murphy says,
"That's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Have you heard about the Kerryman who damaged his health
by drinking milk?
The cow fell on him!
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. "You'd never believe it," said Paddy, "but I got it in church." He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they stood for a hymn, he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bottom. "All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned around and hit me." Said Paddy. A week later Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. "I got this one in church, too," explained Paddy. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for a hymn her dressed was once again creased into the cheeks of her bottom. "My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back."
It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"
"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."
So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.
"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"
Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?
It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
A Kerryman won a round the world trip in a raffle. He refused to accept the prize because he said he had no way of getting back!
An Irishman fell a hundred feet from a building site and was asked if he was hurt by the fall.
"Indeed not," he replied, "It wasn't the fall that hurt me at all, it was the sudden stop."
There's a new Irish restaurant being built near downtown L.A. They are going to serve gourmet 7-course Irish meals. Everyone coming the door gets a potato and a six-pack.
Two Irish men, Paddy & Murphy were walking down a country road, when they observed a man hanging over a bridge with another mans legs in his grasp. The other man shouted up "NOW, NOW" to his friend who promptly pulled him up. To Paddy & Murphy's astonishment the man had a large fish in his arms. Paddy & Murphy decided to give this plan a try, so they walked on to the next bridge where Paddy dangled Murphy over the bridge. After five minutes Murphy started to scream up.
MURPHY: "PADDY, PADDY PULL ME UP!!".
PADDY: "HAVE YOU GOT A FISH?"
MURPHY: "NO, THERE'S A BLOODY TRAIN COMIN"
The Irish auctioneer shouted, "The highest bidder will be deemed to be the person or persons nominated as the buyer or buyers unless someone else offers more…"
English secretary to her boss:
"That letter you asked me to type double spaced, do you want the carbon copy double spaced as well?"
Announcement at a London Airport:-
Will the gentleman who left his hearing aid aboard flight 173 from Paris, please call at the information desk.
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
Pat and Mike were lifelong friends and unfortunately Pat passed away unexpectedly. Mike was so devastated by the passing of his friend that he too died. Due to the fact that they were so close, their widows decided to bury them in a single ceremony. When their widows were making arrangements for their burials, Pat's wife instructed the funeral director to dress Pat in his brown suit and Mike's wife instructed him to dress Mike in his blue suit. Just minutes prior to beginning of the wake the wives wanted to make sure the director had followed their orders, and much to their dismay, they discovered that Pat was in a blue suit and Mike was in a brown suit. They expressed their displeasure to the director and demanded the situation be corrected immediately. The director told them that he would take care of it but needed five minutes. In less than the prescribed time, the director called the widows back into the room and showed them Pat in his brown suit and Mike in his blue suit. The widows were surprised at the fact that the director could manage this feat in such a short period of time and were thanking him for his help. The director said "It really wasn't much of a problem, I just switched their heads"
How do you recognise the bride at a Kerry wedding?
She's the one wearing white wellingtons.
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says
"Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first priest says
"Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts
"Wellll......with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says
"This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up
"Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn."
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly
"Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with Holy Water and the horse went on to win the race, streaks ahead of the opposition.
Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with Holy Water, and like the first horse it went on to win it's race so the guy said to himself ,if the priest sprinkles another horse with Holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse.
Sure enough the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water, and the other guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse. Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with Holy Water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race, and the guy was devastated. He went over to the priest and said
"What are you playing at, the last two horses you sprinkled with Holy Water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled drop dead after only 100 yards, and I had put every penny I had on it's nose !"
The priest replied
,"You are a protestant are'nt you ?"
The guy admitted that he was.
"How do you know that?" he asked
"Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights. "
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
" I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."
Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
A. One less Drunk
Mrs Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there. she goes to the cemetery's management office and says "I am looking for my husbands grave" "Ok madam", say"s the director"What was his name?" "John Murphy" she answers. He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphys in our cemetery, nothing but one Mary murphy". The woman brightens up and says "Of course that's it, everything was in my name"
Beneath this stone lies Murphy
They buried him today
He lived the life of Reilly
While Reilly was away
Did you hear about the Kerryman who saw
a notice reading:-"Man wanted for Robbery and Murder"?
He went in and applied for the job.
"And the winning ticket is number 11," Father Ted called at the charity raffle.
Everybody looked around to see who had won the prize but no one had their hand up.
"Didn't you have ticket number 11 Father Dougal?" Father Ted urged.
"So I do Father," said Father Dougal. "I'm sorry, I was looking at it upside down!"
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
Q.Why do Irishmen always go home for funerals?
A. To make sure it's not them who has died.
An Irishman's last wish was to be buried at sea, which was most unfortunate for his three friends who died digging the grave.
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.
"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."
"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.
The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.
The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"
Terms indicated in an Irish policy:
"The total sum will be paid to you in one single figure at the time of your death, and must be applied for by post unless you wish to collect it yourself."
Casey complained, "That new dance hall is crowded to the roof and all up the staircase. It's not to be wondered that people don't go there."
Seamus do you understand French?
I do if its spoken in Irish
Q. What happened to the Irish Sea Scouts?
A. Their tent sank.
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the hatch.
Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "Sure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
Farmer O'Neill had been invited to supper by his neighbour Farmer Kelly. Expecting that his homeward journey would be dark, he had taken a stable lamp. The drink was not spared and the men sat long over their glasses.
O'Neill, however, reached home safely, guided by his lamp.
The next morning he received the following note from his friend: "O'Neill, I am sending your stable lamp with bearer. Please return my parrot and cage."
SOS for the deep sea divers of the Irish Oil Rig in the North Sea:
"Come up at once, your rig is sinking."
Q. How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A. He's the one with patches over both eyes.
What do you call a Kerryman under a wheelbarrow?
A mechanic.
An Episcopal Bishop lands at La Guardia and asks the cab driver (an Irishman) to take him to "Christ's Church." The cabby takes him to Saint Pat's. The Bishop says, "I Said to you very clearly, take me to Christ's Church. This isn't the place!" The cabby replies, "Yer excellency, If he ain't here, he ain't in town!
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.
"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.
"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."
"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"
"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."
"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?"
"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."
"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,
"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "
What's Black and Blue and floats in Sydney Harbour? ,br /> A person caught telling "Paddy the Irishman" jokes.
An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are.
"Gee, we've even put a man on the moon."
"That's nothing," replied the Irishman,"we're going to put a man on the sun."
"Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there."
"Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."
Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Q: How do you brainwash an Irishman?
A: Pee in his wellies
An Englishman was being shown all over the Niagara Falls for the first time.
"Isn't it something?" said his American guide, waiting for a reaction.
"Runs all night too, I suppose," said the Englishman.
Have you heard about the Englishman who bought a grandfather clock?
He sat by the clock every hour waiting for the grandfather to come out and tell him the time!
Farmer McCarthy lived for many years with only his dog for a companion.One sad day he found his dog dead from old age. He went to his parish priest and asked if services could be said for his dog. The good father said "oh no, we can't have services for a dog here, but there's a new church down the street that might be willing." "Father do you think $50,000 might be enough of a donation?" asked farmer McCarthy. "Well man , why didn't you tell me your dog was a catholic!!!?"
At the end of his sermon Father O'Brian turned to his listeners and said:
"Now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks truly he is bound for Paradise? Would you please stand?"
He was pleased to note that nearly all of his parishioners stood up.
"That's good," he exclaimed. "But now, let me ask you. Which of you thinks he is bound for Hell? Would you stand?"
After a few seconds, Jock Burke slowly got to his feet, and remained standing as the priest eyed him with sadness. Afterwards, as the worshippers filed out, Father O'Brian pulled Jock aside and asked him,
"Now, Jock, what is it that makes you fear you're bound for Hell?"
To which he responded, "O, Father, I have no fear for my own outcome, but I did feel sorry for you standing up there all by yourself."
Paddy was walking through a graveyard when de came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."< br /> "Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."
An item in an Irish newspaper on the murder of a man called O'Brien:
"The murderer was evidently after money but luckily Mr. O'Brien had deposited all his money in the bank the day before so he lost nothing but his life."
It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice. Hoskins was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third.
"Back or front?"
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me,"
and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade.
"Begorrah," he said.
"I think I can see what's wrong."
Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's called Nicotine's Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them and they send a man over and you get drunk together.
"Could you tell me the way to Balbriggan, please?" asked the English visitor.
"Certainly Sir," said Patrick. "If you take the first road to the left…no still that wouldn't do…drive on for about four miles then torn left at the crossroads…no that wouldn't do either…"
Patrick scratched his head thoughtfully.
"You know, if I was going to Balbriggan I wouldn't start from here at all."
Two Irish companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph poles. The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up the most poles in an hour. The first company achieved twenty but when the second company's tally came in it was only two.
"I'm afraid you lost the job", the second company was told, "the other boys managed twenty to your two."
"Ah," came the reply, "but they cheated. Did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?"
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks
"Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers
"A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guinness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared.
"Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You know that magic, never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Three Irishmen, drunk as can be, come staggering down the street singing Danny Boy at the top of their lungs.They stopped in front of Flahertys house still singing. After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs Flaherty yells out, "Why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else!"
"Are you Mrs. Flaherty? "asks one of the drunks.
"You know dam well I am,"she says.
"Well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"
Q. Did you hear about the Irish attempt on Mt. Everest?
A. They ran out of scaffolding.
First Irish Farmer: "My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it."
Second Irish Farmer: "Did you shoot it in the hole?"
First Irish Farmer: " No, in the head."
"Well, Mike," said the doctor. "I can't quite diagnose your case. I think it must be the drink."
"Sure, that's all right, doctor," said Mike. "I know how you feel. I'll come back when you're sober."
One Irishman was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
A woman with a baby in her arms was screaming from a third floor window.
The crowd below shouted, "Throw the baby down and we'll catch it!!"
The woman replied, "NO! It'll be killed!"
At that moment, out of the crowd stepped O'Reilly.
He shouted up to her, "I'm the Irish goalie, and I've never dropped a ball yet. Throw the baby down and I'll catch it!"
The woman trusted him, and dropped the baby towards him. Just then, a gust of wind blew the baby to one side. O'Reilly dived and caught the baby.
The crowd cheered wildly.
O'Reilly bounced the baby three times and kicked it over the roof.
Never ask a foreigner where he is from. If he is not english he will tell you within a few minutes, and if he is English, why embarrass him?
An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.
"Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.
After a heavy night's drinking, two Irishmen stagger home from their country pub, intending to take a short cut through the graveyard. Being much the worse for wear, they decide to take a rest against a stone, where Paddy reads the inscription.
"Do y'know, Michael, this fella here lived till he was 103!!"
"And did he come from hereabouts then?" asks Michael.
"No," says Paddy, reading the stone, "he was Miles, from Dublin"
When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!
Mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. The last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. As soon as the wife is gone he heads down to Clancys pub.
After spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. He gets up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. Gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. All the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up. She walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. She answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. she looks at Mahony and says,
"So you went to Clancys pub after all did ya.?"
"Well yes dear,"said mahoney, "but how did you know? "
"That was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there!"
"This is a very noisy district you live in, Pete!"
"Sure and that's exactly the way it is. We only get any peace at all when the heavier trucks drown out the noise."
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Verse 1 What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?
The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had a job.
Verse 2 How do we know that Christ was Irish?
Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.
Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel. Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?" A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them." After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary,
"Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
"Pete died. Boat for sale"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"
There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish.
He wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.
Shamus joined a robber band and on the night of his first safe-cracking job the boss warned him, "Before we go through the window, you pull your tights right over your face."
Shamus said, "Sure and you can see that the daft things will only stretch as high as me neck!"
Two Irishmen were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which tumbled out of the sky to land at his feet.
"Ah, you should have saved the bullet," said the other.
The fall would have killed him, anyway."
Then there was the cross-eyed Irish teacher who resigned because he had no control over his pupils.
Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case someone looses them.
An Irishman was digging a hole in a road when a passerby asked him what he was going to do with all the soil.
"Ah, well," he replied, " I'll dig another hole."
"But what if it doesn't all fit in?"
"Oh, I've thought of that," said the Irishman, "I'll dig the next hole deeper."
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called,
"Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room. Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize her anywhere!"
"Hello, Pan American Airlines?" said Big Mick Lonergan. "Could ye be tellin' me how long it takes to fly from Boston to Dublin?"
The voice on the telephone said "I'll see sir, just a minute." "Ahh, 'tis fast. Thank ye," Mick said as he hung up.
Mick was late for the performance and as he tried to find his seat in the front row someone shouted, "Sit down in front."
"I can't," replied Mick. " I don't bend that way.'
Why do they make Irishman jokes so simple?
So Englishmen can understand them!
Q. How do you identify an Irish helicopter?
A. It has ejector seats.
A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
"Tell me," said the passerby, "What on earth are you doing?"
"Well," said the digger,"Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn't mean Mick and I get the day off, does it?"
"You know," said Mrs. O'Neill, "you could really feel the heat of that coat the minute you took it off."
Have you heard about the thrill seeking Englishman?
He ate his After eight mints at half-past seven!
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
It's always puzzled me," said the Irishman looking up from his newspaper,"how every time the Lord gets it right. People always seem to be dying in alphabetical order."
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?". God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I've just made" The Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "it's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hotspot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south. And then the Archangel said, "and what's that green dot there?". And God said "Ahhh that's the Emerald Isle - that's a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth; Beautiful mountains,lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast line. These people here are going to be great crack and they're going to be found traveling the world.They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them this black liquid which they're going to go mad on and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to imbibe. Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: "Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE, you said there was going to be a balance God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the neighbours I'm going to give them"
Q. What is Irish diplomacy?
A. It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell. So that he will look forward to making the trip.
It's been a long day," complained Mrs. Murphy, " and I haven't sat down since I got up."
"Ah, that was a lovely dress," said Maureen, "and it would have fitted me if I could have got into it."
What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade.
Then there was the Irish terrorist who blew up a bus:
He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q. Why is the wheelbarrow the world's greatest invention?
A. Because it taught the Irish to walk upright.
Q. But what about the Frenchman and the Irishman who both jumped off the Eiffel Tower? A. The Frenchman got killed, and the Irishman got lost.
Two english ladies were discussing their vacation plans on a London street corner near an irish lady. "We're planning a lovely holiday in Devon this year," said one. "Oh you oughtn't to do that," said the other, "there are Irish there! It would be awful." "Dear me!" said the first lady. "Well where are you going?" "Salisbury," she replied. "But Salisbury is simply crawling with Irish!" the first objected. At this point the Irish lady could no longer hold her tongue. "Why don't ye go t' hell," she suggested. "There be no Irish there!"
Paddy was directing his first play and was not satisfied with the hero's dying scene.
"Come on," he cried, " put more life into your dying."
For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"
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